I am a wizard.
I shot a bullet out of the sky with another bullet. I picked the universe’s card out of the deck blindfolded. I found the needle in the cosmic haystack. I eclipsed Elizabeth Barrett Browning and Shakespeare by throwing magnetic poetry at a fridge door. In one single moment, I may have known EXACTLY how many angels fit on the head of a pin.
I am a wizard.
My anima saw clearly what the bones and blood of me, the golem in a flannel shirt, cargo shorts and hiking boots could not. My inner self, soaring above it’s meatier version, sought it’s moment, it’s signal from the future, it’s bullet from later, shot back in the hope of capture, of recognition.
Hey… dummy… *poke poke*, It’s Her.
And recognized it was. As an infinite number of particles, each one a possibility rushed by, Ether Troy saw His Future. And a possibility traveling at the speed of light was tweezed from the sky and given an earthly chance. Daniel-San chop-sticking a fly? Please.
The trick was going to be the messenger; Meat Troy. Ether Troy knew the words, but Meat Troy could hardly be counted on to put them in the correct order. He barely possessed the sense to keep from sliding off a mountain. He once received a Drunk and Disorderly ticket by crashing a bicycle into a mailbox. In front of the police station. He once took part in a game of Throw Firecrackers At Your Friends. He was indoors. He was 20. He and his roommates once started a small fire in their apartment. With the smoke detector. Meat Troy may have been an unfortunate messenger. But if Ether Troy could figure out the mysteries of Time and Chance, he could certainly find a way to penetrate Meat Troy’s mulleted skull. Graduation was looming, and had become a certainty rather than a shiny, hazy improbability. And Ether Troy knew what time it was. It was time to consider what the other side of that fuzzy moment looked like. It was time for the Troy Collective. It was time to take steps.
The first step in out-kicking your coverage? Aim High. In this, Ether Troy deferred to Meat Troy because that dummy had no sense of his own mortality.
So I sought out my moment. I acquired the necessary accoutrements, a “lovely” little ring that fell right into my price range of a handful of nickels and some pocket lint. I picked my moment…
Nope, the time wasn’t quite right. Maybe another day. Tomorrow.
Nope. Not today either. Tomorrow maybe. Tuesday at the latest. Yeah, Tuesday looks pretty good.
Another Tuesday came and went, and still the timing wasn’t quite right. Pull it together man!
Man up. I’m Meat Troy. I can do this. Got the ring, got the words, wearing my good flannel shirt. I’M MEAT TROY!
It was not a great proposal. It was… kind of shitty. I think I was standing. I mumbled words. Or syllables, they may not have been entire words. But I did manage to force my mouth into delivering at least the substance. Maybe something along the lines of “…wanna…erm…we could…but you know…it’d be cool…so…Married?”
Meat Troy was a damn moron.
I remember a patient grin and the word “yes”.
I am a wizard.
24 years ago today She and I got married. On that day, when the doors opened and the audience stood, the muscles in my face clenched. She looked beautiful. I wanted to run down the aisle and carry her back because WHY THE HELL WAS THE COLONEL WALKING SO SLOWLY?! Left foot, right foot Sir. DAMMIT!
And so here I am, The Troy Collective. Troy the Wizard. I presaged my future. And with Her, because of Her, I managed to help create a fundamental, alchemical change in physics and mathematics.
1 + 1 = Everything.