An Angry Hum

At some point I realized I’d been standing there for too long, I’d become conspicuous. Several employees had walked past me, asking if I needed help, or was finding what I needed. I think I answered, though I may have only mumbled. I’m not sure, and they sounded like they were so far away. And underwater.

I think I said, “No, I’m good. Thanks.” But I can’t be sure. I may have just drooled. Or maybe I blinked. Hell, for all I know, I cackled like a lunatic. But no, I’m pretty sure I said, “No, I’m good. Thanks.”

I looked at my watch and realized I’d been there for an hour and hadn’t touched anything. I’d come to Home Depot to start a project, a project She and I conceived a couple years ago but had not yet begun. It hadn’t been started yet because I, as the least handy person I know, had no idea where to start. A couple years ago I’d torn out this crappy workbench in our laundry room that was made from 2x4s, plywood, and a handful of nails. It sucked. We wanted to put in some cabinets, a counter top, and some shelves. The first step was destroying, and disposing of, the crappy workbench. That was easy, Troy’s really good at breaking stuff. Then came the required two-year cool-down period of a big open space in the room that slowly gathers piles of stuff.

Enough had become enough, it was time to tackle this thing. The first step was YouTube. I knew that I’d have to anchor something to a cinder block wall. I was equally sure that they don’t make tape strong enough to hold a cabinet to a wall, so I knew tools would be involved. As I own some screwdrivers, a hammer, some rulers, a crescent wrench, a little socket set, and an X-acto knife, I felt pretty confident that I’d be learning how to use a new tool. All the videos I watched said I’d need a Hammer-drill. What? A hammer-drill? How about a Pencil-brush, or a Wrench-saw? What the hell is a hammer-drill?

The rest seemed pretty straight forward, so off to Home Depot I go. And that’s where I pulled a mind muscle.

I stood there in front of the pre-made cabinets, adding widths and debating drawer/cabinet configurations. The space I was working with was 127”. That’s 10 feet and 7 inches. That’s irregular I think, and I’m not ready for irregular. Irregular seems like intermediate level stuff, and I’m a beginner, on easy mode.

So as I’m thinking about cabinets, my asshole brain reminds me that I’ll need to put a counter on top of it. Are those standard? Do they come in increments of 127 inches? That seemed unlikely, so I wander over to the countertops. 4-foot, 6-foot, and 10-foot. Now I’m standing in front of the countertops and my brain asks me how I’m going to attach a countertop to a cabinet. Are there special screws for that? Do I need a special Grinder-file? Size Number P? Why are wood screws different from sheet metal ones? If you’re screwing through a piece of metal frame, and the wood back of the cabinet and into a cinder block, what is the appropriate fastener? Do they make screws that look like Neapolitan Ice Cream? No Troy, they do not.

Oh my god, so many questions. I was stuck in a loop, shuffling from one department to the next and back again, muttering to myself. Ridiculous. WAIT, I can’t buy a 10-foot counter, I won’t be able to get it downstairs and around the little corner…

Then I remembered that I drive a 2-door car. PSSSSSSSST-POP (that was an onomatopoeia describing a tiny little aneurism). WAIT! Home Depot rents trucks! Ok, now to find an employee…

(Why is it that when I was standing there like an Organic Lump of Animated Ignorance there were employees all over me, but now that I was emboldened and ready, I couldn’t find anyone?)

So I get home with cabinets (four of them, each 30”), countertops (plural), shelves, shelf rails, shims (I know what shims are now), wood screws (made for screwing into wood), mending brackets to hold the countertop pieces together, a hammer-drill (a drill that sort of pounds screws into concrete while also drilling, and is INSANELY loud), and some Tapcon screws (they’re blue and screw into concrete).

It took me two days, a blood blister, a screaming headache from that stupid hammer-drill, and a long, long list of swear words but I did it. Cabinets imperfectly in, and perfectly secured to the wall. Shelves up and sturdy. Two pieces of counter top imperfectly aligned and attached to the cabinets.

So yeah, I’m pretty much the king. Do you need anything attached to a concrete wall? I can do that for you. Because I’ve got a hammer-drill and some Tapcon screws.