An Angry Hum

When it comes to parenting, do moms and dads have different jobs? I’m not sure, but I suspect the answer isn’t absolute. We probably do have different jobs, but it depends on lots of variables.

In this case, here are the variables: We have two sons, no daughters. She has a demanding career that takes Her out of the home, the city, the state quite frequently. I have a demanding career that takes me…nowhere. My commute is 17 feet from my bed (I’ve measured. Don’t ask, creatively frustrated and petulantly bored).

I also do all the cooking. Like I’ve said, many times, it’s my jam. So one day, first semester of his sophomore year, my youngest son called me with a question. He and I talk often, but he rarely asks me a question. It was very exciting.

“Hey pops.” The Boys call me Dad, Pops, Boss, Dude, stuff like that. Waxing irrelevant, my favorite is probably Pops. Oddly, not super fond of Boss. Anyway…

“Hey buddy.”

“How do you fry an egg?”

My first reaction, the words born of instinct and a lifetime perfecting my own brand of sarcasm, was to say, “With heat, Goon.” But the words were checked, and were never set loose.

I realized it was my fault. My older son, who’d always taken an interest in food and it’s preparation, had often cooked with me, and is a very good cook in his own right. My younger son had not, did not, and was not. And I didn’t even think about it. From home to the dorms it didn’t matter, he didn’t have to prepare his meals. But in his apartment he’d need to cook for himself, and I’d sent him off knowing how to open a bag of Doritos and pour a bowl of cereal. I didn’t even know if he knew how to pop corn. I’m a monster.

So, checked and upbraided, I talked him through frying an egg. We talked about hard boiling an egg, microwaving an egg, and scrambling an egg. We then talked about cooking bacon and chicken. It was great, and I wished we’d done it earlier.

I know a lot of young adults, and have been asked by many of them what to buy, how to cook, and how to make it cheap and/or fast. That’s a lot of info, but I suppose I can start somewhere. These are my opinions, so please, don’t be offended or outraged if I’ve flown in the face of convention. And if I’ve forgotten something, for heaven’s sake add it.

I think I’ll start a series of posts about cooking. Maybe I’ll be able to give a little advice to someone who perhaps lacks some confidence in the kitchen. So, here goes. Here are the tools I think everyone should have, at a bare minimum. And if these are all you have, you should be just fine, you may even be able to prepare a satisfactory sous vide.

• WICKED IMPORTANT. Get a meat thermometer. Make it a decent one. Once you have plenty of experience cooking a thermometer becomes less critical, but I still use mine all the time. Ask for a Thermapen for Christmas (they’re not cheap, but they are fast). If not, the Habor Instant Read is a good one too. Once you have it, use it. A chicken breast should read 165 before you eat it. A chicken thigh, 175. If you like your beef rare, 125, medium-rare 130-135. Medium beef about 140. And if you’re a misanthrope who likes beef well done and hates food, 155. For pork, don’t eat it rare, but medium-rare is good (I promise, I’ve been doing it that way for years, and if you’ve eaten my cooking, so have you). Pork medium rare is 145, medium is 150 and well-done is 160. Do Not Forget To Wash The Thermometer When You’re Done.
• Have a decent non-stick skillet, 10 or 12 inches, like this one or this one. They’re easier to use and clean. And remember, NEVER use metal utensils in a non-stick pan. Wood or plastic. Say it with me: Wood or Plastic. Don’t ever put a non-stick pan in the dishwasher. There are two things I never put in the dishwasher, my non-stick pans, and my cooking knives.
• On that note, you’ll need at least 3 cooking knives. A 6- or 8-inch chef’s knife like this one or this one. I like both sizes, and I prefer heavier knives with a tang the length of the handle and a bolster the width of the blade. The tang is the part of the blade that goes into the handle, allowing the pieces to be assembled. Knives with a full-length tang tend to be heavier and more durable. The bolster is the wider metal part at the heel of the blade, between the sharp part and the handle. I find the deeper bolster to be much more comfortable and I’m less prone to cutting myself. You’ll also need a utility knife (this is the one I own). With a proper utility knife you don’t really need a paring knife, and utility knives are much more useful than a paring knife. Utility knives have thin, long blades, and I use mine every day. You’ll want a serrated knife as well. If you get a good bread knife, one that isn’t too gimmicky, you can also use it to cut softer fruits and vegetables, like tomatoes or plums. Keep them sharp, they’ll last longer, be safer, and be much easier to use. Here’s a good, cheap sharpener. Truthfully, I’m a lunatic about keeping my knives sharp.
• You’ll need a saucepan. It doesn’t have to be anything special, it just needs to be big enough to handle the amount of food you’ll be making, and it needs to have a lid. A one-quart saucepan is too small to do pasta really well, even for one. But a 2-quart saucepan is perfect for a one-person pasta. For two people eating penne, that 2-quart pan may work, but for spaghetti I use a small stockpot.
• Measuring cups and measuring spoons. Measuring cups like these are for dry ingredients. The glass ones with the little pour spout are for liquids. One is by weight, the other by volume. It’s not hard, just remember the one with the pour spout is for liquid. You’ll want both. Get a 4-cup glass one for the liquids.
• A can opener. Obviously.
• A vegetable peeler.
• A whisk.
• A cheese grater.
• Wooden spoons. At least 3. Round, flat and slotted.
• A big plastic spoon. Because a big plastic spoon is awesome and useful.
• Tongs. Not the crappy wire ones that look like an ‘X’ when open. Those are garbage. I mean tongs with a spring and plastic ends like this. Not expensive, worth every penny.
• Two spatulas, for eggs or pancakes, or hash browns, or burgers. You’ll want a plastic one and a metal one. If you don’t want two, that’s cool, get a plastic one. BECAUSE WE NEVER USE METAL IN A NON-STICK PAN.
• A cheap basting brush. For greasing pans and basting food.
• A toaster, preferably one that has a setting for bagels. Only monsters toast the outside of a bagel.
• A rimmed sheet pan. Can be used in almost every situation that a non-rimmed one can, plus so much more. You’ll want to learn to cook your bacon in the oven on this pan…
• A set of mixing bowls, and a set of little prep bowls. You’ll use them all the time.
• A baking dish. It’s Minnesota, you’ll make hotdish. And if you’re not in Minnesota, you’re bound to bake something that will require this pan. Lasagna, enchiladas, (french toast is great made in the oven), brownies, etc.
• A cutting board like this one. Two sided, one side flat, the other with a groove around the outside to catch liquids. Wash it often. Really, we want to avoid cross-contamination.

Okay, I think that’s it for now. These are the tools I use all the time, for every kind of dish. There are a few others that are useful, yet can be done with one of the things above. Like a pizza cutter or a meat tenderizer (For instance, I usually tenderize skirt steak by hammering away with the bottom of my 2-quart saucepan). And there are some tools that people love that I find useless, like garlic presses or herb-choppers. But you know, you gotta do you…

I also didn’t include the fungibles, like aluminum foil and wax paper. So, yeah, you’re going to want aluminum foil and wax paper. I always get the heavy duty foil, because it’s heavy duty and Troy’s not delicate (plus it’s easier to braise something for one or two people in a little tin foil package made of the sturdier stuff). I also use parchment paper, plastic wrap, and ziploc bags.

So that’s it. That should set you up pretty good to cook most things. I may have missed a thing or two, or put something on this list that you may not agree with. If so, let’s talk.

Alright, I’ll start thinking about my Desert Island Spice Drawer next…