You know what the perfect Christmas gift is this year?
No, I’m asking because I have no f#$%ing clue.
You know that thing where someone says to you, “Hey Troy, who played the head guard in Shawshank Redemption?” And then your head explodes partly because your name’s not Troy and partly because seriously, you knew who that was before the question was asked. It’s as if the question itself pushed Clancy Brown out of your head and you now live in a Clancy Brown-free universe. Dammit!
That’s my whole holiday season this year. Some brilliant gift idea will pop into my head, and then I take a bite of my lunch, basking in my gift-giving brilliance. But in the intervening one second my Christmas-winning gift idea has evaporated, and I’m right and truly screwed. So now everyone is getting a bottle of hot sauce.
I think part of my struggle is that this year there are only 3 weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. So much pressure. Every time I try to think through my list, I start to worry about getting it all done in time, and I wind up not doing anything. I’m the Christmas Shopper’s version of corporate America; all meetings, no work.
Another issue is that She’s always tough to buy for. Her favorite things do not necessarily require the owning of something. Typically, when I ask Her what She’d like for Christmas, She’ll usually say something like “Nothing” or “a scarf”, or “I don’t need anything”. I know it sounds crazy, but I truly think She doesn’t see how terrible that answer is when you’re so bankrupted of ideas that you have to actually ask what someone might want. Can She not recognize a frayed and desperate man? Cruelly, She can’t wear earrings, robbing me of a lazy husband’s staple. And as if that weren’t enough, She has no interest in hot sauce. I’m running out of ideas. Is a Target gift card a bad idea?
The Boys are usually much easier, but I can’t quite solve that conundrum either. All my current ideas are played out and uninspired. So let’s work the problem: They both have many likes and interests, but neither has a hobby. They’re both going to be entering the workforce for real in the next year. One of them is a very good cook and the other hasn’t given himself food poisoning yet. One of them can grow a wicked beard, and the other has some hair on his face. One of them likes early morning walks and the other has feet and a vitamin D deficiency. Neither one’s handwriting evolved past the crayon stage. Both dance like everyone’s watching, which one likes while the other does not. They both buy stuff at Target…
Wait! I’ve got it! She and The Boys love tacos…
Hot sauce. Always go with your gut, Troy. Always go with your gut.
Happy Holidays Everyone.
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