You know how breathing and blinking are mostly involuntary? That’s how talking is for me. When I speak there can be no guarantee of outcome. Like pointing a garden hose away from yourself before turning it on. Cross your fingers and hope for the best. Words fall out of my mouth in strange, unpredictable ways. A refrigerator door with Magnetic Poetry on it, just a jumble of words surrounding the occasional “Buttface” and “Tacos 4evah”.
And the worst part is that during those moments when I’m a loquacious natural disaster, my brain is just a paralyzed observer. My stupid mouth plops down a tragic, rough-hewn sentence and my brain sets it’s beer down, saying, “Shit, I drop my guard for one second and that guy burns the joint down.”
But sometimes my brain hears what my mouth is laying down and is able to forgive the previous oracular dumpster fire.
I was on the phone with Older Son the other day, and we were talking about graduation and what happens after. And at one point I said…
“Well, what do you want this year to look like? And what should you be doing now to make sure it happens?”
My brain set it’s Xbox controller down and said, “Wait. What did he say? It was concise and apropos. It didn’t contain anything inappropriate or indiscreet.” Not quite a Righteous Truth McNugget, but not bad…
What I should have done though, is not aimed that one at Older Son, but pointed the garden hose right at my own dumb face and turned it on.
What do I want this year to look like?
2019 wasn’t a bad year for me, nor a particularly good one. Some good stuff happened, some bad stuff happened (but I don’t want to talk about that). Some stuff happened that still can’t be categorized.
But I get the feeling that 2020 will see some big stuff happen. It seems portentous. I’m excited, and wary.
I started this year strong. Visiting family, drinking good scotch and playing a party game I’d normally hate, but didn’t. I went skiing with my family, at one pointing watching my favorite people drinking beer and eating tacos from a taco truck made from a Snow Cat, at the top of a mountain on a sunny day. It was…perfect.
2020 will be the first full year of my first retirement (I hope someday to be able to retire from Troy 2.0). I’ve mostly, and officially, left my first career. One that I both love and hate. I don’t intend to shelve those skills, but am looking forward to bringing them to bear on something new.
I also realize that I’ve lost the ability to be comfortable being uncomfortable. I’ve grown a little soft. I don’t handle stress and anxiety like I once was able. I’d like to get that back. There are people in my life dealing with stresses and I’m not quite the implacable rock I’d like to be. So, time to toughen up and take my own advice. Put my head down and work the problem…
I want 2020 to look like purpose, to look like accomplishment. I want to be proud of what I and those around me are about to do. I want 2020 to look gracious, and empathetic. I want 2020 to look like contentment, to look like peace. I want it to be full of moments when I watch my people eating tacos and drinking beer, realizing how perfect it is.
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